No Regrets

No Regrets.  She still lived by this philosophy. Ten years since she made that decision. She left that world behind a lifetime ago.  It has almost been that long since she thought of him.

Skylar woke up in a cold sweat. She had prepared for this. Yet still she couldn’t get the images of the car out of her head.   Scattered bits of metal down the road for at least a mile, the blue cavalier upside-down and crumbled. All she could think when she got there was this was not the right car. This was not my twin sister. Then she had found the list. The grocery list she had written to get Anya out of her hair for a few hours.  Shaking the memories out of her head, Skylar got out of bed to wash her face.

Having moved 600 miles away from everything, Skylar got monthly updates from the one person she kept in touch with - Liza.  Liza had grown up with Skylar and Anya.  She understood when Skylar just needed to breathe on the phone to someone after these episodes. Skylar grabbed her phone and called.

After three rings Liza answered.

“Hello? Skylar? Is everything alright? It must be like four am there!!”

“It’s happening again Liza. I am dreaming of the accident.”

“Oh darling, it wasn’t your fault. You know that.”

“I know. But if I hadn’t been so frustrated with writing that paper and just wanting to be alone to finish it…”

“SKYLAR!! You were not the one driving the semi. You were not the one who fell asleep behind the wheel. It was that guy’s fault that Anya died. Not yours. Besides, what is your philosophy?”

“No Regrets. I know it is just hard to remember that after those dreams.”

            “Well that’s ok. As long as at some point you remember it, and that it is not your fault.”

            “Thank you Liza. I don’t know what I would do without you to remind me. You certainly know how to make me feel better.”

“Well since I have you here, how about the latest gossip from all those you left behind?”

“Sure, why not!” Skylar responded with a slight laugh.

“Well, Jennifer is pregnant, Again. No clue who the father is on this one. Umm. Oh! Sandra is getting married!! She asked me if I had your address, I told her I would have to check. Would you want to come?”

“I will have to think about it but you can give her my address anyway. Who is she marrying?”

“That same guy she has been dating for YEARS! His name is Chris Jenkins. “

“Oh ok! Well I guess I will let you go. I know you have got to get breakfast for the kids.”

“Yeah, but before I go, I have one last thing to tell you.”

“What?”

“Well, I don’t know how to put this. Ummm.  Well? Damn, here it goes.  Landen Ford is getting married. “

“…..”

“Skylar?!?!”

Skylar hadn’t heard that name in years. Landen Ford. He was her dark angel. He was her redeeming grace after everything.  She had willed him out of her mind years ago. Now with those five words, all of him is rushing back. 

Picking the phone up from where it slid from her hand she responded.

“I have to go Liza. I… I… I just have to go.”

“Skylar, If you need anything, ANYTHING, call me. I may be 600 miles away but planes can get’cha places.”

“K, bye.”

With that Skylar went to the kitchen. Looking at the clock she realized it was only 5 am. Laughingly said to herself, “Well it is 5’oclock somewhere” and poured a glass of Riesling.  She quickly downed the first glass, barely tasting the crisp fruity sweetness. She took a second glass with her to the living room and placed it on the cherry coffee table.  Walking to the bookcase, she began scouring it, looking for just the right thing. There it was, at the bottom right corner almost hidden by the fern on the floor, was the journal.  Taking some deep breaths and a big sip of wine, she opened it.

August 12^th 2007,

            I ran into Landen Ford today. He seemed to know my expression without question. It’s odd. No one else has been able to just get it yet. Anya died three months ago, yet I cannot seem to move towards anything.  I wonder if I will be stuck in this limbo forever. I mean how do you go on when you have lost half of you? What the hell will I do without her here to make me be spontaneous? She lived like the world was going to end tomorrow, while I always had to double and triple check everything before walking out the door.  I haven’t told anyone what she said to me those last moments in the hospital. How can I? By doing so would admit that she is gone and never coming back.

August 20^th 2007,

            If only I hadn’t asked Anya to go to the store to get her to stop bouncing of the walls while I finished my term paper. She wanted us to go out, to relieve some of the stress of exams. Why did I not do that?????

            Saw Landen again today. He hugged me and it reminded me of when we were all younger and more carefree. I wonder what he has been up to. He gave me his phone number if I ever just want someone to talk to. I might have to take him up on that.

September 3^rd 2007,

            Happy Birthday Anya. I hope everything is good wherever you are. I am now 19.  19 and my twin sister is forever 18.  I have decided to take her advice today. Her last words to me were “No Regrets Sky.” No Regrets. That was Anya’s life philosophy. I am going to live with no regrets. I will take up where Anya left off. I hope your happy An. I am going to do all those things you always wanted.

First though. I am going to call Landen. I could use a cup of coffee and a conversation.

Reading these words, Skylar began to remember.

Skylar was already sitting with coffee in hand when Landen got there. He saw her nodded his head and stepped up to the counter to order a cup of coffee.  Mocha Latte, extra whip, extra sugar, His signature coffee drink.  Coffee in hand Landen joined Skylar by the window.

“Hey, Landen. Thanks for coming.”

“Yeah sure, Skylar. We have been friends for god knows how long. And you looked like you could use someone to talk to.”

            “I could talk about many things. But some…… well some I can’t.” She said gazing mournfully out the window. “What have you been up to in the past few years?”

“Well I now work for a pharmaceutical company as the night security. I occasionally get jigs teaching band camps. Other than that not much, I just stay at home and watch movies and play video games.”

“So you still find ways to teach loser kids like me huh? That’s cool. So no girlfriend? The last I heard of you, you were kinda serious about someone.”

“Let’s just say that I wasn’t what she was apparently looking for.” Now Landen turned his ice blue eyes towards the window. As if to hide what is there, but not before Skylar caught a glimpse of something oddly lost in their depths.  “It has been years since I actually have had a conversation with you, Skylar. You really have grown up. How long have I known you anyway? Since you were what, 12?”

“Well let’s see, you taught lessons when I was in middle school. Plus our babysitter lived down the street from you. I guess I have known you since I was like six. Which would make you eleven? You’re what, Five years older than me right?”

“Yeah, I am. Wow, I didn’t realize how long we had known each other. I knew you guys were some of the only ones I knew in band classes. But I just thought it was a fluke or something. You guys were just kinda always there.”

“Yeah, yeah we were.”

            They just sat there after that. The rattles and steam sounds of the coffee shop faded in to the background as both Skylar and Landen drifted into their own worlds. Skylar remembering Anya, Landen with thoughts of lost love. It wasn’t until the window beside them had turned dark with night and the remains of their coffee was long past cold, that they realized how long they had been there and said their goodbyes, with promises to keep in touch as needed.      

Skylar found herself calling Landen often.  He was the first person that understood what it was to be broken. He did not judge her because he himself was broken also. Not a day went by when one of them did not call the other. Yet they rarely saw each other. He worked nights while she worked days. When they did get together, they watched movies or tv box sets. They spoke of world events, what they wanted to do if they ever went back to college, and gossip. Rarely did they ever speak of the things that brought them to their current states of mind. One night Skylar broke this unspoken rule first.

“Landen?”

“Yeah, Babe?”

“Let’s go do something.”

“ Ok. What did you have in mind?”

“Well,” Skylar pulled a worn list out of her pocket. “I made a promise to myself and Anya the night I called you the first time. I promised I would do all the things on her list. One of the things is go to a Punk Rock concert. There is a battle of the bands tonight, all punk. Will you go?”

“Are you sure you want to do this Babe?”

“Yes. I have thought about it for a while. I need to do these things for her.”

“Alright. Let me change clothes.”

With that they went to the concert. For the first time in six months Skylar actually felt mostly human. What started out as following Anya’s list quickly became date-like. Landen bought her ticket in the door, and then bought their drinks inside. They laughed at the black trenchcoats with purple Mohawks, and the Hello Kitty tights with pigtails. They danced to the music.  At some point Skylar began to hear Anya’s voice in the back of her head.

“No Regrets Sky.”

Skylar knew that Landen had no desire for a romantic relationship. It was lost love that broke him in the first place. Skylar also knew that she herself was incapable of loving anyone in her current state. Yet there was something about Landen that got to her. Maybe it was his tortured ice blue eyes in combination with his irratic mess of  thick black hair. Or the fact that He was constantly in need of a shave on his slightly tanned skin.  Looking at him there, laughing in that bar, she got a sinking feeling in her gut. A feeling she had no name for. A feeling she dreaded.

“Hey Babe!” Landen yelled above the music.

“Yeah?”

“I am going to go outside for a smoke, wanna come?”

“Well I sure as hell don’t want to stay in here by myself!” Skylar laughed.

Landen downed the rest of his Vodka and Cranberry and out the side door they went.  He went to the car and pulled a pack out of the glove box. Leaning up against his black Camaro, he lit one and took a drag.

“Stop looking at me like that Babe.”Landen said.

“Like what?”

“You have this look on your face like you just want to come over here and toss all of my cigarettes away.”

“Well, it is a nasty habit.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I always say I am going to quit but never quite make it. I do smoke a lot less than I use to.”

“I know. But it still is gross and very unhealthy.”

“Says the girl that eats less than two extremely small meals a day.”

“Fine you have your vice and I will have mine.”

“Glad to see we have an understanding. So are you having fun?”

“Yes! I haven’t had so much fun in a long time!”

“Good so am I. It is nice to get out and forget things once and a while.”With this Landen took one last drag of his cigarette and the tossed it to the side. “Lets go back inside.”

“Alright,” Skylar being closer began to turn to go in first, “oh by the way Landen, my biggest issue with the cigarettes is that I just don’t want anything to happen to you. I have become very dependent on having you around. I am not sure what I would do if something bad happened to you. I don’t think I could handle it.”

Feeling that she had said enough Skylar went inside leaving Landen staring after her. His features slowly changed to that of recognition and a small smile. He quickly pushed off his car and bolted inside.

Finding Skylar at the bar Landen ordered a Mountain Dew, the only soda he drank.

“I am sorry Skylar.”

“You are fine Landen. Sometimes I am a little over dramatic.”

“Would it really bother you that much if something happened to me?”

Skylar paused and looked at him. “Yes it would. Don’t ask me why I couldn’t tell you. I just know I couldn’t, wouldn’t be able to handle it.”

Landen looked across the bar away from Skylar and drank the mountain dew in one gulp. There was this odd twinkle in his eye. A spark of life that Skylar hadn’t seen there before. 

“Skylar.”

“Yes?”

Skylar noticed how close they had gotten. The loud music of the current band began to wane as the world stilled around them. All Skylar could focus on was how close Landen was becoming. Landen reached out and slowly brushed his fingertips down her right cheek.  When he arrived at her jaw he cupped his hand underneath slowly bringing her face up to meet his. Just as Landen tilted his head to kiss her, Skylar heard “No Regrets”. This caused her to close the last couple of centimeters between them.

Landen tasted sweet from mountain dew he had drunk, yet he had an underlying flavor all of his own. His kiss was like a breath of morning air on a cool summer’s day with a twist of fire from his cigarette. Skylar instantly became addicted. She had never experienced such a mess of feelings from one single thing. Her soul had cut itself off from the world so long ago. This assault to her emotions was overwhelming and empowering.

When the kiss broke Landen heard Skylar whisper something into his chest. He pulled her face up and found her to be smiling broadly.

“What is it Babe?”

“No Regrets.”

“What? Were you expecting any?”

“No! That is the last thing Anya said to me. It was her life philosophy. I decided to follow in her foot steps and tonight was the first time I did. No Regrets.”

“No Regrets. Well that is a hell of a way to live.”

Landen and Skylar continued their normal routine in the following weeks. The only changes were the occasional make out session in the middle of a movie and an endearing kiss goodnight at the door as Skylar left.  To the outside world nothing seemed to be changing in the mangled personalities of the two.  But on the rare occasion they were seen together, it was obvious that they were somehow healing each other.

Skylar began to debate her feelings for Landen. She knew that he had become the most important person in her life. What she couldn’t figure out is if he was so important because he understood her, or because she was afraid she was beginning to fall for him. That was wrong. She knew he was important to her because he was her friend; she needed him to help her get through life. That was why he was so important. What the issue had become was if their need for physical contact in addition to their friendship was something more than what they claimed. Skylar knew he had spoken to others about their odd relationship just like she had. What they hadn’t done was talk to each other.

“Landen?”

“Yeah Babe?”

“I was asked the other day if I was your girlfriend. I told them no we were just friends. But it really threw me for a loop. What are we?”

“I don’t know… I don’t really like to…. Label things like this.”

“ Before all of this, before Anya, I never would have even considered this kind of relationship a possibility. Yet now, well now I couldn’t tell you what kind of relationship I would want to be involved in. This seems weird predicament seems to be my best option! I know that I am not all there the majority of the time. I know that there are days, most days where I can barely get out of bed. Yet somehow, being around you makes all of that so much less than it is. So what does that make us? Friends? Good, we have been friends for YEARS! Yet most friends don’t spend half their time seeing who can turn the other on faster or spend all night rolling around in the bedroom! Fuck Landen! Why not give us some kind of label?  What the hell is wrong with that? ”

“For one, you know I am not over her. I cannot say that we are dating because in my mind that is betraying her! I must admit that something else is going on here than just friendship. I am not an idiot. I leave my house less than you leave yours Skylar. I am not doing any better than you. Yet somehow, I can’t wait for the days we are together. You are like the silver lining. I just am not ready to claim to be dating. I guess if we must have a label, we are talking. I have been asked too. I get the feeling your having. But do you really want to be connected with me? I am no more stable than you are. I am only mostly stable around you. Hows that? Does that work for you? We are talking.”

“Well at least we are something. I just don’t know who I am any more. I want to be just Skylar; not the dead twin’s sister, not the one who survived, not anything!! I don’t know. I just…don’t know. “

“It’s alright Babe. I see you as Skylar. You are the girl I have known forever. The girl that somehow has woven herself into my depressing life style as a bright light. You will always be just Skylar to me. I never will compare you to Anya. You are Skylar Dutton. Just Skylar.”

Skylar fell into his arms crying, Landen held her. In that moment they didn’t acknowledge that things were changing.  That they were both becoming slightly more afraid of the other. That the feelings they were having were those of love. In that moment, they were just Landen and Skylar, two broken souls healing each other.

They had a year of healing and fixing each other.  At some point Landen became more distant from Skylar. He began to hangout with more people. Skylar was becoming more and more open to the rest of the world. She now spent more of her days smiling for no reason.  Skylar completed more things on Anya’s list.  She read Jane Eyre, travelled to Rhode Island in the spring, and began to learn Italian.   Having Anya’s list had Skylar creating one of her own. There were only two things on it so far, Finish Anya’s List and Go back to College.  Skylar just had to figure out if she was ready. If she was, what would she do about Landen?

It was movie night at Landen’s house. Skylar had helped him make dinner and now they were eating and watching the movie.  Landen noticed her fidgeting.

“Hey Skylar, what’s up?”

“Nothing just watching the movie.”

“Well you are spending more time playing with the pillows on the couch than watching the movie. Now tell me what’s wrong.”

“I, well I have been thinking about going back to school. I am not sure if I am ready to go, plus I don’t know where I would go. I can’t go back to where I was because that is where Anya and I were.  There is nothing for me there. Nothing good anyway. I just want to do something besides retail all my life.”

“You should go back to school. Your smart and are wasting your talents just working a minimum wage job.  You need something to do.”

“If I did go back to school where would that put us?”

“I don’t know Babe, I don’t know.”

Things between them became more muddled. In the next month Skylar only saw Landen once. Their phone calls became once a week and much shorter than before. Finally they decided to talk about it.

“Landen what is going on? I hardly see you, we never talk on the phone any more. I know things are changing. What happened?”

“I ran into her again Skylar. She wanted to talk. I don’t know this was like a week maybe a week and half ago. I just couldn’t say no to her. She told me that she had broken up with that guy she left me for. That she wasn’t sure what she wanted. I am not sure now either. My mind has gotten all confused. I have feelings for you I don’t want to name yet here she is. The girl I had been in love with.  I need to clear my head.”

“Landen. Before anything happened between us I told you I was your friend first. I honestly think she is bad for you.  I just don’t want you to get hurt again.  As far as feelings for me goes, well I have feelings for you too. In fact I think I may be falling for you. This really sucks because I know that no matter what feelings for me you have, you will always be unsure of them.”Looking off into the distance Skylar took a deep breath, nodded her head and began again.  “Here is what I am going to do. I am going to save my skin and yours. I am going to walk away.  This way you can make whatever decisions. You need time to do so. I need to see if I can function on my own. I have my own issues to deal with. I will not let myself become attached to you so deeply that there is no coming back from it. I have to try to move on from Anya’s death without you.”

“But Skylar, what if you need me? Or I need you?”

“I am always going to be there for you. You are my FRIEND Landen. I hope that you will be there for me too.”

“I always have been Babe, nothing will change that. I just don’t know what I want right now. Or what I need. I agree. Walking away is best for the both of us. I hope you find what your looking for.”

They went their separate ways. Occasionally Skylar would see Landen in Walmart. They would speak and share a hug. A few more months went by. Skylar began to feel more whole. Landen had gotten her on the path to recovery. The rest was her job. She found a college she wanted to go to. It was all the way across the country. California. It was on Anya’s list to go there and now it was Skylar’s list to move there. She called Landen once or twice, just to tell him how things were going. Then on her last week of work, he came to see her.

“Hey babe. So how is everything?”

“Good. I am moving to California. I found a College I want to go to there.”

“Good for you Skylar. Before you go can we get a coffee?”

“Sure, I get off at 8. Meet you there?”

“Yeah.”

Once again they were at the coffee shop. The same table. This time Landen was already there, waiting for her.

“Did you get the Mocha Latte again Landen?”

“Yeah, it’s the only coffee I like here.”

“Well what’s up?”

“Skylar, Babe. I just keep having dreams about you. I think I actually might be in love with you.”

“Are you still with her?”

“No she broke up with me again. I am just confused. I want to be your friend, yet I think I want so much more. Everytime I see you I remember how much I care for you. It is hard.”

“I am leaving Landen. I am going to school 600 miles from here. I leave in a week. As much as I want to hear this, I can’t. I know I love you. I also know that we are never in the same place at the same time. We missed our window of opportunity on a relationship. If you really truly love me then email me, and call me when I am gone. If you don’t, well I will understand. You can’t deal with anymore heartbreak and neither can I.”

With that Skylar left. Landen did call her some. He also sent about four emails, but after a while she knew he was going to need someone else. The distance Skylar put between them was the final breaking point in their relationship.

Skylar opened her eyes. It was now afternoon. She looked down at the journal in her hand and smiled. Landen Ford. As much trouble as he had caused her heart she loved him. Even now after eight years, she knew that he was her first real love and that some part of her was still in love with him. Yet she had grown up. Now she just looked fondly at her memories of him.  He was something to lock away until needed in her mind.

The slot rattled. Mail dropped to the floor in a hushed thump. Picking it all up Skylar found one envelope to be heavier than the rest. It was a wedding invitation from home.  An invitation to the wedding of Landen Ford.